I just stole these jokes and humor from my friend blog today because I found it funny, hahahahah. Hey, I'm not that evil. Here's a link back of my friend blog (
My Laptop And Me ), give him a visit sometime. And yes, he gave me permission to do this. Enjoy!
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful…. Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
#2: An Irish Homecoming
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”
“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.
Girl, crying again, (Sniff, sniff) “….a prostitute dad!” (Sniff, sniff.)
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.”
#3: Who's in Charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who the one in charge .
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story?
The as$hole is usually in charge !!
#4: Men And Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years.’ ?”
“I remember that, too” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have gotten out today.”
#5: Men's Golf Club
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello”
Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
Man: “Yes”
Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.”
Man: “How much?”
Woman: “$65,000.”
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
Man: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
Woman: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
Man: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
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